Workplace Betrayal

Et tu brute?

Cathartic Release

I need to write this Blog for cathartic reasons, digging and releasing the negativity from my ocean floor.  This is my dark tale of returning to work for someone else, post maternity leave, post self-employment for 10 years and with 4 1/2 years of ill and ongoing ill-health. 

Poison Lake

A sinister dip in the pool of workplace envy and betrayal! It’s taken a long time to find the courage to write this down, so damaged was my self-esteem not to have spotted the pit before I fell in….this is the precursor to Gaslight and the reason why that even happened!

Love to Work

I decided 2017 was it, the year I wanted to take over or at least share the financial reigns for our Family, by seriously getting back on the career ladder. My Husband has long bemoaned being the major carrier of our financial burden, the high price of living in the South-East. He doesn’t enjoy his work, conversely I am the opposite. Never was I one to complain about working, I truly enjoy engaging my brain, being productive and making success. Whatever I do with my time, I do with passion and commitment…..

Thrive to Survive

Plus, I now knew the basis for my enduring poor health, and a sort of end was in sight in the form of an operation at some point some when…NHS!!! Success in self-employment, to proportions we needed to survive, wasn’t possible for a plethora of good reasons beyond of my control.  Plus, I missed working in a Team and wanted to focus on doing the actual job not running a business.

Comfortable Approach

Incredibly, I managed to find a reasonable job nearby, in terms of the pay Vs responsibilities being relatively balanced. Quality, well paid local jobs tend to be scarce on the ground in the ‘Cuntry’.  It was a step down and backwards, but this felt comfortable, I had no idea what shape my skills were in.  

Committed

Physically, I couldn’t afford a steep learning curve, it would absorb the spare energy I needed for my children; poor health is a heavy burden on everyone. Additionally, I am of the nature to only commit to what I can either deliver or excel in delivering. I hate letting people down!

Main Carer Realities

Location, location is everything when you’re the main carer and manager of  your children lives, which I remained at this point. A long journey to work, physically costs on a number of levels, time, travel, childcare cover.

And if you have the misfortune to rely on rail travel in the South East, ‘you’re Fucked’, only one of you can really afford to work in London because of their appalling, pricey, inconsistent service. My Husband had/s first dibs on this joy….

Child Care Challenges

Let’s not forget that in order to return to work post child-birth in the UK, you must engage in childcare. Providers not only charge through the nose for ANY lateness, it kicks in after 15 minutes, they understandably want your child physically removed should any illness or emergency situation arise.

So, it’s imperative to be close-by for the unforeseen just-in-case scenarios that seen to regularly occur when you least need them too!  This being the Law of Attraction kicking in, delivering against all the mutterings we make along the lines of….please don’t let this happen Today!

The Hidden High Costs

This is somewhat career limiting, but unfortunately a ‘must’ in Today’s World, unless you fortuitously have helpful relatives nearby….I don’t. I am telling you all this to give you context, returning to work with children is not just a case of finding a suitable job, it comes with all manner of extra and sometimes unbearable emotional and financial pressures. Which is why so few choose to do it until they are forced to….are you listening Government of Britain?????

Forced into a Full Time Corner

One immediate downside to this job was its full time hours, and as previously mentioned, because of the lack of good opportunities locally, I was forced to go with that.  I really wanted part-time so I could continue to spend time with my offspring and not lose a massive chunk of my earnings to childcare, but this was not in my gift to have. And so, ensued a  complex, expensive mix of child care arrangements, that kept me doing this job even after I recognised the signs I’d made a mistake?!!

The First Sign

The first sign that this was not the right direction for my life to take, came in the form of my nanny letting me down a couple of days before I was due to start.

The stress of dealing with that kick in the balls was something else. The experience came accompanied by a generous portion of paranoia; would my new employer view the situation as my fault or a reflection of me as a person?! WTF??? Stress makes me illogical….I clearly ignored this sign!!

Pressurised Interview

Anyhow, I am getting ahead of Myself, back to what occurred….. During the unbelievably long 5 hours interview, towards the end, it was made known they would now be selecting 2 candidates from our total of 5 as opposed to 1. Having had to sit in the same room as one another for the duration, whilst being pulled out individually to complete interviews across the Site, gave us a good measure of one another. True colours emerged in the pressurised, lengthy wait. A very, very strange environs to find oneself and my first experience of it….and definitely my last!

Our Introduction

I am not very competitive and do not enjoy a dog eat dog environment, I prefer a more collaborative affair.  There was one candidate whom I got on with especially well, I noticed she possessed a tendency to criticise others but I didn’t think anything more about it….Of course, we both got the job! 

My Focus was my Home Life Balance

Any concerns about working with her were inconsequential in comparison to the organisational and emotional mountains I knew had to traverse to make starting work happen. There wasn’t time to consider anything other than the realities of getting to, through and home from work in a timely manner, especially after the job started.

No Privacy

However, more subtle pointers occurred from the outset,  further highlighting this wasn’t the right road for me. She got the best desk in our open plan corridor of an office, her back to the wall so she could see who was coming, around or leaving. I sat with my back to an open corridor of private offices and the main office space. I couldn’t tell who was there or listening into my phone calls or reading my screen…not that I thought I had anything to hide or time to be deviant.

Another Kick in the Face

She got the areas I was relying on getting, ones I had a passion for, up-to-date experience and contacts within. I landed up responsible for things I had no interest in, recent experience or contacts, the steep learning curve I didn’t want or need. I was told I had been given mine because I’d got some previous experience….yeah that was over 10 years old, all my recent relevant experience was ignored.

This really upset me but it wasn’t what I’d been led to believe or was expecting! But instead of standing my ground or walking away because I didn’t like the job content, I stuck it out, feeling I shouldn’t rock the first boat I’d been in for so long. Plus cancelling my extortionate childcare felt too scary and difficult…..ridiculous but true!

Unrealistic Targets

Into the deep end I was thrown, no training, no support, no management, (not that my manager didn’t want to necessarily he just didn’t have the physical time). The highest target I’ve had in my life to-date, a looming project deadline and reams of paperwork to read and complete, again with no direction.

Shoulda, Coulda, Didn’t…..

I should have walked, I didn’t enjoy it or the general hostile working atmosphere. Some of the department’s existing staff were being moved elsewhere in the business and were very unhappy about it.  But I didn’t want to fail or be beaten, so I tried everything within my power to pull the rabbit from the hat! See I’m committed….but ignorant in not listening to my heart!

Off with their heads

The new MD had got rid of half of the staff, people who had worked for the company for years, replacing them with competitors or people with little or no experience of the sector. It’s was all a bit ‘Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland’.

There were so many disgruntled employees amongst the newbies and oldies, an obvious side-effect with that level of organisational change, and meant people were running around like blue arsed flies trying to keep up and in. ‘Off with his head”….

I Trusted Her

Because we started at the same time in the same team, we were inducted together and lumped together in everything. An unfortunate coincidence was our very similar names, this meant we were easily and frequently mixed up, as I later discovered to my detriment.  As a consequence of this mandatory shared time, we became quite close in this sea of discontent, sharing our private thoughts and concerns.  It honesty never occurred to me to treat her as competition or as any kind of threat, I thought she had my back like I had hers!

Full of Woe

She was one of those people whose lives is mired in tragedy. Whilst we were working together people she knew died, her husband was in hospital due to have a major operation and her nearest and dearest had life limiting and threatening illnesses. This was in the three months I knew her?!

Overly Flattering

Thus, she understandably exuded very negative anxious energy, I felt responsible for supporting her as her team-mate, making colleagues aware of her suffering and trying to keep her positive by making her laugh.  She was endlessly complimenting me on the way I dressed, my experience and just about everything. The constant awe was uncomfortable and unnecessary, she herself was very competent but really beyond noticing that, I was just struggling to get the impossible task of my job done!

Unfortunate Mistake

Then, in the midst of all the crazy pressure, whilst stressed to the max, I landed up having what I can only now refer to as an unfortunate conversation with a junior colleague (a millennial). At the time, the conversation felt like an oasis in amongst all the tedium and dryness. I certainly enjoyed it, although I did notice she’d over shared some personal information, but I thought I’d handled it well, appreciating the distraction. Being an empath, I pride myself on being able to read people very well….

An Unexpected Complaint

About 2 weeks after this  happened, I was informed by my boss that someone had written a complaint about me, he wouldn’t tell me by who so I could address it. I was mortified to learn I’d upset someone, I thought I was getting on really well with everyone, in the very limited times I had spare to engage.

Victim of Unsettled Department

The penny only dropped in the HR review meeting, when I was able to ascertain it was her, and only because she was the only colleague I’d met with alone so it had to be her. This wasn’t confirmed….It was all very subversive, she had acted normally around me in the preceding weeks?! I later found out that her colleague told her to write the letter of complaint and I put this down to being opportunity for them to further put the cats amongst the pigeons in the unsettled department.

More Smoke

In this same HR meeting, according to my Boss, in his investigations across the Company, further misdemeanours had emerged. Again he wouldn’t tell me by whom or from where, it was beyond horrid. I had never been accused of professional mis-conduct before?!

Shocked to Tears

I was genuinely remorseful I’d upset a colleague, especially one I thought I had a good relationship with?!  And one of the complaints was definitely not something I’d said, but something my Team mate had said in a meeting…the fallout from similar names! I started to cry, as I said in Gaslight, I am not a crier. This hit me completely out of the blue, which doesn’t happen to me very often…I can usual divine what’s going to happen next….Another mystery being the complaints all related to information I’d shared with just my main colleague, in confidence….but I still didn’t see….

Blinded by Trust

I became paranoid, from my perspective I’d been working my balls off minding my business, and hadn’t wasted any time on office gossip or the slander I was accused of. My team-mate appeared to be supporting me, equally perplexed as to who had been stabbing me in the back.

Nothing to Hide

I carried on going into work, even though it was suggested I go and stay home until it was resolved,  because I felt strongly I had nothing to hide and had done nothing wrong. But the anxiety stopped me from sleeping, which is a real problem for me and my health condition and I got very ill. I couldn’t get over the fact that I really hadn’t seen any of this coming, there had been no signs, just my colleague regularly making pointless statements about our Boss preferring me and me being more successful than her.

Couldn’t Handle the Stress

The company offered to delay the investigation until I returned to full health, which my boss strongly urged,  but it had already reached the stage where I knew I couldn’t emotionally or physically cope with it dragging on any further.  The Red Queen ended my probation, saying it wasn’t working for either side….which it certainly wasn’t for me.

Utterly Betrayed

My self-esteem was decimated and I felt thoroughly betrayed by everyone and didn’t want to work with any of them again….It had died for me! I’d asked my colleague to attend the HR meeting with me as a support, that is a measure of how much I trusted her. That night she blocked me from Facebook and her phone….I was shocked, betrayed and very hurt!

Fight for what is Right

In the aftermath, on the advice of a legal friend, we wrote a formal complaint to the Board of Governors regarding the way I’d been treated. She rightly pointed out that I needed to push for the answers, because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t stand up for myself when looking back, she was right.

Stark Truth

Finally, I received the HR files and was able to see the notes and the letter……..the letter was simply ridiculous and carried no weighting because nothing had really happened, which I really knew deep down but had been made to doubt. However, 99% of the comments on my poor professional conduct came from my colleague, I found my Brutus….And finally, one was the case of the senior manager getting us mixed up in a meeting!

2 Faced Perfection

Wow….what a sly conniving bitch! She took me down in an immaculately two-faced way! I’m sure the thinks she won and it was worth it, her main competitor was removed! But she still has to work in that place, what goes around comes around! I’m free,  not doing a job I don’t enjoy just to maintain my childcare! I know she regularly looks me up on Linked In in ‘privacy’ mode, so she will read this and learn how much it upset me and I hope it makes her feel some remorse….but I doubt it!