Raising Kids

Struggling to Write

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while, my promise to precise the ‘Secret History of the World’ has consumed me whole.

In my world, the only part of the day I can guiltlessly dedicate to my favourite pastime of reading, is last thing at night. As I am sure it’s easy to imagine, by the time I can perform this pleasure I am a broken individual, with very few miles left in the tank.

Whereas normally, that’s ok I read at the speed of light, this rich, deep philosophical observation is rendering me done in 2 pages…. Sending me spinning off into the cosmos and freaky dreams….Nice! I’m having to use a high lighter, to ensure I don’t miss anything salient; this is actually more pleasurable than I would have believed…. Defacing a book’s pages with markers!

It’s also helping me to get some of the upsides to being a teacher, spending any more time than I need to with kids, is a definite no no for me! Anyway, please bear with, I will soon have further content worth sharing on this secret world. 

Mother’s Day Fail

Elsewhere in my world, a quick precise of my Mother’s Day… The normal far from yay, and unfortunately becoming a tradition in that!

Unrealistic Fantasy

Each year since I’ve qualified, I’ve nursed another unrealistic fantasy (I really need to get with the marriage I’m in and not the one I thought I was getting) that my husband would step up and help our kids to worship my ‘motherness’ in style.

Husband Doesn’t Get It

His argument for not pandering to that whim, I am not his mother?! How very fucking blanche et noir, and really most unkind, but totally ‘aspie’. And, what I do normally get gifted, is some ridiculously childish, arsehole behaviour in reaction to me being the centre of attention; it happens on my birthday too.

Taking a Different Tact

This year I did change it up tho, drawing my tolerance line in the carpark of Wakehurst Place by sending him packing off home. A state of affairs which suited all concerned, but a bit of a sad indictment of our family affairs! As I said up the page, I really need to get with the marriage I’m in…. And this means buying myself a huge fuck off Mother’s Day gift and charging it to the joint account…;-D

Single Parenting Holiday Hell

Now, we find ourselves in week one of the Easter holidays, actually that’s incorrect, now I find myself alone and left to cope in week one of the Easter helliday. Clever clogs managed to absent himself, by procuring himself a new job on day one of this break….

The Great Houdini

Curious how he takes 2 months out and then hey presto, just when we get gifted 24hr exposure to our kids…. off he fucks. And if that isn’t enough, and I do have to laugh because without a sense of humour in this marriage we would be divorced, he’s bagged himself a job where on occasion he may be ‘forced’ to exotic foreign climes.

Mid Life Escape

Perfect for a man in the midst of his middle years…. I am being kind here, I mean drowning in the monotony of the middle years of child rearing. But I can promise, the laughter will immediately cease if any of these unforeseeable exotic escapes, materialises in time to skip making it home for the weekend to help with the sprogs. Then he, and the neighbours, can expect murderous blue screams for the duration.

The Real Deal

And so, what does this actually mean in practise? Me having to spend the next, roughly 168-day light hours, consistently on my tippy-toes surveilling my canny offspring, like a meerkat…. Urrggg.

What I am up Against

There’s a new graduate in town….

Why is this level of scrutiny warranted?…. Here’s a couple of examples: Less than 24hrs in, at a party, we had Lollipop denying he had parents, claiming he’d driven his 5/6yr old self there and that he was staying the night with this female guest in her late 30s…

She was a little taken aback by this forthright, flirty 5/6yr old, whereas I was totally shocked to discover I’d given birth to such a smooth-talking criminal; And, also concerned his future would be very ‘Mrs Robinson’. He’s supposed to be turning out gay, so I don’t have to share him with a wife?!

New Identity

36 hrs in, he’d decided to change his name to Freddie, which he would then only answer too. When I pointed out I was struggling to remember, after 6 years of his given name, he gave me his best fish eye and told me I’d get there with practise!

Shaving at 8

Last night, day 4, I made the mistake of relaxing in the bath and thinking ok maybe it’s not that bad…. Moments later, I swear I am not lying, he decides to tell me his 8-yr. old sister has been shaving her legs with my razor?! WTF…..

Spanish Inquisition

So, I then had to mission abort my lovely bath and carry out the Spanish Inquisition on her. Over the years, I’ve come to recognise that if I want any semblance of truth from my kids, I need to employ seriously sophisticated questioning techniques; it seems the truth is a moveable feast. After some category 5 denial, she came clean, telling me she feels too conscious to reveal her legs at school because they are too hairy???? I asked her if anyone else had mentioned these awful ‘hairy legs’, apparently not, she arrived at this premature conclusion all by herself….

The Downside of Miss Independent

And being the individual she is, took matters into her own hands and simply started using my razor, the very enormous downside to an independent child!

Hairy Legs Like Daddy

I then had to forcefully explain, her annoying, snitchy little brother, far from deserving a thump, really had done her an enormous favour…. Because, shaving would give her hairy legs like Daddy….

They have the same skin type and hair colour, so this is a believable concept…

And when that happened, I wouldn’t be helping her remove them until she was at least 11; thus, making roughly 3 1/2 yrs. of monkey legs coming her way!

She then tried to apologise to me profusely, but I explained it wasn’t me she should be apologising to but her legs, they’d suffered the butchering… Tho to be fair, she’d done a good job!

Dawn Raids

This morning, having been startled awake by a hideous dream where Lollipop drowned, I discovered that not only had he also eaten his sister’s special Easter cereal (he’s finished his on day 1), he’d eaten the rest of my special biscuits.

Selfish Stealing

So, I kind of wanted to drown him all over again! Let’s be clear, he’s been carrying out this selfish, bastard behaviour since he could get down the stairs and so everything ‘special’ lives at the top of the highest cupboard that even I need a step ladder to reach. Well, it turns out he can now too, what a shit way to find out your kids grown!

Stubborn Sugar Addict

He has been ceaselessly punished for this behaviour, with all forms of torture, but it doesn’t seem to resonate. I freely admit to feeling totally fucked over by the ongoing experience of a lesson not being learnt.

Sugar Crackdown

This time I’ve banished sweets from his life for the remainder of this week, and we’ve all consciously eaten them in front of him, to ram home the ‘thou shalt not steal’ message….cue tearful breakdowns. However, he has the luck of the devil and we keep happening upon kind shop keepers giving away free sweets?! WFT!

Hands Over Flowing

So, in short, I have my hands totally full, as usual. We’re now on Day 5, we’ve had more illegal behaviour, free sweets, irritating fights and I’ve got 2 whole days and the rest of this one to get through before I can get some co-parenting support….. Will I make it? Will they? Keep an eye on the news, you never know….

Feel Free to Call Social Services

And, if you feel horrified that I don’t appreciate every goddam minute with my children, please feel free to call social services and get them removed…. Even my own parents were shaking their heads yesterday, exclaiming that I’d certainly got my hands full!