Big Question

An interesting question I wanted to pose, because I recognised that this highly pressurised occasion is less than straight forward for me and I wondered if you felt the same? And, by the way, I mean how many parts of yourself, not the family and friends you invited to share it with. And, am inviting you to consider what this festivity actually means to you, not what you’ve been spoon fed to suck up.

Love to Partay

In my household, excitement for this event starts immediately after Samhain, aka Halloween. We do love a celebration to look forward too, sometimes more than the actual one itself! We always put our tree up in November, wishing to enjoy the lights and the individually selected baubles for as long as possible. My husband sees it as the advent of a long anticipated break from work, me and the kids just can’t get beyond the excitement of receiving presents!

Tree Murder

I won’t and can’t tolerate a living tree in my house slowly dying before my very eyes, I know they are bred for such a purpose, but too me there is already a deficit of trees on our land and I don’t want to add to it. A potted one that would be replanted would suffice but asking it to be out of its natural habitat for 6 weeks feels too much of an ask. Especially, as I am not sure that buying an already potted tree that will be replanted is an option around us.

Not Living Christmas 24/7

After I’ve decked the tree, which has finally returned to just my responsibility, no one else can be arsed?! I start focussing on presents, land up in a quick buying frenzy and then I’m done. Normal life resumes, and I only start thinking about it all again a couple of weeks before the actual day.

Revolutionary Beginnings

This is how I didn’t manage to get my hands on a gluten free Christmas Pudding this year, I have the cream but no pudding. It’s not like we’re a family of pudding eaters, only Laurie and I like it, but I have still persisted in the past. Ancient traditions….

Pressurised Traditions

Which led me to consider all the other inherited traditions that I’ve felt the responsibility to deliver to my untraditional family! All this effort that falls upon barren ground, keeping me from enjoying the day or sitting down for more than a minute at a time.

Time Slip

Though I’ve had to schedule, a now famed, Christmas walk, simply to get away from the grind for an hour, ok and to sober up! Famed because it’s always muddy, which can be a challenge in glam Christmas gear.

Doesn’t Fit

No one, apart from me, particularly likes a roast. My husband grew up with this very British routine, a weekly Sunday roast, he hated it. I did not, so I love it. And my daughter is a complete pain in the arse to feed, one minute she likes it the next she doesn’t, her reaction to my cooking has almost obliterated any desire I have to do so. My son is more easily pleased, he enjoys what I make and eats it with relish, but he enjoys food - he’s Taurean through and through.

Covid Freedom

Because this was Covid Christmas and my Mother and Step-Father decided it was too much of a risk to share a table with us, I could do exactly what I pleased on the tradition front. So, I decided, last minute - because I could - we’d have mac and cheese, with pigs in blankets and Brussel sprouts instead, this are firm family favourites. Given all the other shit everyone had already eaten, stocking chocolates and sweets, it went down a treat and only took me an hour to pull off.

Extra Time

And, saving so much time meant we could pull off another walk, this time we ventured out to the seaside so the kids could ride their bikes and I could breath in some negative ions. I love the idea of sitting around playing board games or watching TV but in practice it makes me depressed, I prefer to be moving around; the mercurial being that I am.

Space to Notice

This space allowed me time to cogitate and be present in my feelings, I do tend to experience high levels of exasperation and discomfort through out Christmas Day but put it down to the pressure to perform tasks I don’t enjoy - lengthy, choreographed meals, attending to everyone else’s needs simultaneously, conforming to the ideal stereotype of Christmas day loveliness.

Disappointed Nostalgia

The first glaringly obvious issue is that the past is always rosier than the present, my childhood Christmases really do resemble a Disney movie, when I could just participate not lead. So my inner child always feels rather bereft with the nostalgia of the lost yesteryear; a bit lost at sea and thus a bit angry and resentful. Add to this, the guilt of not pulling off the perfect, loving parent act for my own dear little hearts and there’s a little storm of shite all on its own.

Christmas Loss

Secondly, I experience the stabs of loss for those who are no longer raising a red faced toast around the Christmas table. Missing their warm, secure, adult bodies; again, more showings of my grievous inner child.

Wrong Religion

Thirdly, I have to ask myself what the fuck I am doing mentally making a celebration of such standing in a religion I pretty much despise. (No, my lovely Christian friends I don’t despise you, I just hate what you believe in, but promise I look past this in our friendship).

Focal Swappage

Winter Solstice means far more to me, and I am bringing my children up in this spiritual ethos, so I need to swap my focus around. If I can pull that off, I may be able to enjoy the celebration less as a martyr and more as an adult; Out with the old, in with the new.

Making it Fit

I can manifest that by incorporating the truth behind all the jazz. This could look like keeping the tree, as a symbol of protection of the forest fairies and Mother Nature, but putting a sun on top of it to recognise the re-birth of the Sun. Continuing with the easy meal, leaving more time for being in nature as a family. Re-naming Santa as the original Green Man….nothing a few green marker pens can’t sort out ;-D

Over the Top

Projecting the milky way in lights across the front of our house, to remind us so above, so below - Can you imagine the drive ups - lol. Instead of naughty elves, we have naughty aliens. I stick some Unicorn horns on my reindeer….. You get the picture right?

Auto-pilate

It’s just so easy to get caught up in auto-pilate when the world is shoving Christmas down your throat.